7 Things You Should NEVER Say to Someone In AA
Recovery from addiction is a delicate journey that requires support, understanding, and compassion. For those in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), certain comments—even well-intentioned ones—can undermine their progress and cause emotional harm. Many people simply don’t understand the complexities of addiction recovery, leading them to make hurtful remarks without realizing their impact. By learning what not to say, you can become a better ally to friends and loved ones in AA, helping rather than hindering their sobriety journey.
1. “Can’t You Just Have One Drink?”
This question fundamentally misunderstands the nature of alcoholism. For someone in AA, there is no such thing as “just one drink.” The entire premise of their recovery is based on complete abstinence because they’ve recognized their inability to control their drinking.
The concept of alcoholism as a disease rather than a choice is supported by extensive research. According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, alcoholism alters brain chemistry and function, making moderation impossible for many people with alcohol use disorder.
When you suggest someone in recovery can have “just one,” you’re essentially asking them to risk everything they’ve worked for. Instead, respect their boundaries and support their commitment to sobriety.
2. “I Need a Drink After the Day I’ve Had”
Complaining about needing alcohol to cope with stress around someone in AA can be triggering. It reinforces the unhealthy coping mechanism they’re working hard to overcome.
Remember that people in recovery are developing new ways to handle life’s challenges without alcohol. Hearing others normalize drinking as a stress response can make their path more difficult.
Instead, consider saying “This day has been challenging” or share healthier coping strategies you use. This shows respect for their journey while modeling positive alternatives to drinking.
3. “You’re No Fun Anymore”
This devastating statement implies that a person’s worth and enjoyment are tied to their alcohol consumption. It suggests that their personality, humor, and value as a friend depend on their willingness to drink.
People in AA are rediscovering who they are without alcohol, often becoming more authentic versions of themselves. This process takes courage and deserves celebration, not criticism.
If you find yourself missing activities that centered around drinking, take the initiative to suggest alcohol-free alternatives that allow your relationship to evolve in healthy ways.
4. “I Didn’t Invite You Because There Would Be Drinking”
While this might seem considerate, making decisions for someone in recovery without consulting them is disempowering. It assumes they can’t handle being around alcohol and excludes them from social connections that might be important to them.
Many people in AA develop strategies for navigating social situations where alcohol is present. Learning to live in a world where alcohol exists is part of recovery.
Instead, extend the invitation and let them decide if they’re comfortable attending. Offer support by ensuring non-alcoholic options will be available or checking if they’d like you as a sober companion.
5. “You Don’t Seem Like an Alcoholic”
This comment, though often intended as a compliment, undermines the person’s experience and perpetuates harmful stereotypes about what alcoholism “looks like.”
Alcoholism doesn’t discriminate by appearance, profession, or social status. The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration reports that alcohol use disorder affects people across all demographics and walks of life.
This statement also implies doubt about the severity of their problem, potentially triggering shame or questioning their decision to seek help. Instead, acknowledge their courage in recognizing their issue and seeking recovery.
6. “How Long Have You Been Sober Now?”
While this might seem like showing interest, it can create unnecessary pressure. For someone in AA, recovery is often viewed as a day-by-day process rather than measuring long periods.
Additionally, if someone has recently relapsed, this question can trigger shame and embarrassment. The AA philosophy emphasizes progress, not perfection, recognizing that recovery isn’t always linear.
Instead, express support without focusing on timelines: “I admire your commitment to your recovery,” acknowledges their efforts without putting them on the spot.
7. “My Drinking Isn’t as Bad as Yours Was”
Comparing addiction experiences minimizes someone’s struggle and creates an unhelpful hierarchy of suffering. It also reveals a concerning defensiveness about your own drinking habits.
This statement can be particularly harmful as it suggests the person in recovery was somehow “worse” or more flawed than others who drink. It fails to recognize that addiction is a complex health issue, not a moral failing.
The Power of Supportive Presence
Words matter tremendously in recovery, but sometimes the most powerful support comes from simply being present without judgment. The journey through AA is deeply personal, requiring both inner strength and external support systems.
Communicating respectfully with someone in recovery isn’t about walking on eggshells—it’s about developing empathy and understanding for their experience. By avoiding these harmful statements and instead offering genuine support, you become an important ally in their recovery journey.
Remember that recovery from alcoholism is a daily practice of courage. Your thoughtful words and actions can make this challenging path a little easier for those you care about.
Have you ever unintentionally said something hurtful to someone in recovery? How did you learn to be more supportive of friends or family members in AA?
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Travis Campbell is a digital marketer/developer with over 10 years of experience and a writer for over 6 years. He holds a degree in E-commerce and likes to share life advice he’s learned over the years. Travis loves spending time on the golf course or at the gym when he’s not working.