Comments on: Handed over $850. Received a grumpy look.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 18:24:10 +0000

From your post:

“it just feels good to give back.”

Did your actions – thou well-intentioned – deprive your father in law of this feeling? Just something to consider, I think.

By: CD Rates Blog

CD Rates Blog — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 16:20:06 +0000

I do believe it was good to give the money to the church, however, I’m also with those that think you could have given it anonymously to his church or even yours.

I don’t believe you were looking for kudos, but, giving in the manner that you did may give that impression.

Anyway, good job for not keeping it to yourself. I’m sure 99.9% of America did. We used ours to pay down debt.

By: JB

JB — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 23:17:37 +0000

It’s really admirable what you did. I would like to say my wife and I would have done something similar. My father helps me out around the house when I need repairs done, but he won’t take money. I usually pick up the tab at dinner and help him out with any computer problems he has. What you did gives me an idea though. Good work!

By: Peter @ biblemoneymatters

Peter @ biblemoneymatters — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 14:31:38 +0000

I commend you for giving, it is always good to give back. Since my wife and I have started giving more regularly it is amazing what a positive effect on us it has had. When you give you’re not only giving, but receiving.

By: Clever Dude

Clever Dude — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 20:25:09 +0000

@Mr Cheap, but we’re not going through hard times.

By: Mr. Cheap

Mr. Cheap — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 15:24:00 +0000

I’m with Erin too. If I had children I knew were going through hard times, and I tried to give them a gift and they diverted that gift to charity, I’d feel pretty bad that they hadn’t let me help them.

By: anonymous

anonymous — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 01:30:53 +0000

I agree with the above commenter. I think the payment was designed to *appear* noble. But the execution was severely lacking.

He asked not to be paid; if you wanted to give the money away, you should have done it discretely, and never told him about it.

By: Erin

Erin — Fri, 04 Jul 2008 00:24:44 +0000

I am a little conflicted on your methods here. I think it’s great that you donated the money instead of keeping it, but I think your disregard of your FIL’s feelings was petty and short-sighted. Isn’t it possible that your FIL took great pride in his ability to provide a valuable, long-lasting gift to his daughter? He may feel that, while he can’t buy a lot of stuff, he can give the gift of his time and creativity in a way that will enrich the life of the recipient. I know my grandfather doesn’t have the words to say it, but payment for something he considers a gift truly diminishes (in his eyes) the incalculable value of his time and creativity by making it an emotionless “transaction.”

You may say, “Well, we didn’t give the money to HIM, we gave it to the CHURCH,” but the clear message you communicated to him was “The value of the work you did was not emotional, it was precisely $850. You’ve left us no choice but to pay the church instead of you.” He told you over and over and over that it was a gift. Why do you feel proud of “whipping out the checkbook” and forcing the money on him? Couldn’t you just as easily have given the money anonymously to his church? That way you and your wife would have felt that you had matched his generosity, and he could have continued to feel proud of the gift he had give you, and the grace with which you received it. Given that the church could have received the money either way, I feel really uncomfortable with your insistence on valuing your self-image (“Look at us! We pay for things! We give to the community! We’re not mindless consumers!”) over his sense of pride and generosity.

I’m sorry if this comes off as harsh, but I really think a huge part of successful frugality is focusing on what is truly of value, and I’m sure you deeply value your relationship with your FIL. And in this case, though the money ended up in the right place, the method by which it got there was truly hurtful to someone you love. Next time, prioritize his sense of pride over your own.

By: Boston

Boston — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:25:25 +0000

Nice work CleverDude. I think that says a lot that you are willing to donate in the times that we are currently facing. With the economy and portfolios as bad as they are this year, I know the thought of giving is not the first thing on people’s minds. God bless!!

By: SingleGuyMoney

SingleGuyMoney — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:16:10 +0000

That was a great thing to do CleverDude. It’s always good to help someone else when you can. With that being said, I need to go make that donation to the Red Cross that I keep forgetting to do.