Comments on: Examine Your Motives Series: Having Kids http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/ Family, Marriage, Finances & Life Sat, 11 Feb 2012 13:09:32 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Sid http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-60619 Sid Wed, 10 Feb 2010 05:32:57 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-60619 I'm not sure why I've changed so much in my thinking over the last few years but being a 32 year old woman in a relationship w/ a man who has a 10 year old son, I find myself moving further away from wanting kids. The only reason I can envision myself having them is to experience that ultimate love that people talk about. That being said, I feel I have felt that w/ the birth of family members (sisters, nieces, etc.). I feel like my world would become insular and too domesticated. I don't know...tough to put into words. The only idea that holds excitement for me is adoption because you're helping a being in need. Sure, the possibility is that there might be issues to take on but isn't that part of the whole reason for adopting? Helping and guiding a child through the world who likely wouldn't have had that chance? My boyfriends doesn't seem overly excited by the idea (he'd like to have more biological kids but seems okay that I don't). I feel no need to make excuses for deciding not to have biological children...it's my life, my choice; however, unless you are ANTI-BABY (and I've met some who literally cringe when the meet them), I suppose you'll always have those wondering thoughts. I’m not sure why I’ve changed so much in my thinking over the last few years but being a 32 year old woman in a relationship w/ a man who has a 10 year old son, I find myself moving further away from wanting kids. The only reason I can envision myself having them is to experience that ultimate love that people talk about. That being said, I feel I have felt that w/ the birth of family members (sisters, nieces, etc.). I feel like my world would become insular and too domesticated. I don’t know…tough to put into words. The only idea that holds excitement for me is adoption because you’re helping a being in need. Sure, the possibility is that there might be issues to take on but isn’t that part of the whole reason for adopting? Helping and guiding a child through the world who likely wouldn’t have had that chance? My boyfriends doesn’t seem overly excited by the idea (he’d like to have more biological kids but seems okay that I don’t). I feel no need to make excuses for deciding not to have biological children…it’s my life, my choice; however, unless you are ANTI-BABY (and I’ve met some who literally cringe when the meet them), I suppose you’ll always have those wondering thoughts.

]]> By: Linda http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-48359 Linda Fri, 24 Jul 2009 04:19:45 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-48359 This post made me smile, and I emailed it to my boyfriend- it's a discussion we've been having between ourselves too. Because I grew up in a big family, (I'm the oldest of seven!), I guess that I always just saw having kids to be the logical step. But when my boyfriend asked me to think about why I really wanted to have children, the only reasons that I could think of were that I wanted to spoil them, and that I wanted to create something that was mine, that I could love unconditionally. He gave me a hug and said I could always spoil him :P But since deciding that kids aren't likely to play a part in our futures, we've been bombarded by negative critisism, from our families, friends, and even just random (and incredibly rude) strangers who seem to think that it's their business if we choose not to reproduce. So thank you for talking so openly about a decision that many people come to, but so few people are ready to accept. This post made me smile, and I emailed it to my boyfriend- it’s a discussion we’ve been having between ourselves too. Because I grew up in a big family, (I’m the oldest of seven!), I guess that I always just saw having kids to be the logical step. But when my boyfriend asked me to think about why I really wanted to have children, the only reasons that I could think of were that I wanted to spoil them, and that I wanted to create something that was mine, that I could love unconditionally. He gave me a hug and said I could always spoil him :P

But since deciding that kids aren’t likely to play a part in our futures, we’ve been bombarded by negative critisism, from our families, friends, and even just random (and incredibly rude) strangers who seem to think that it’s their business if we choose not to reproduce. So thank you for talking so openly about a decision that many people come to, but so few people are ready to accept.

]]> By: Donna http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-38274 Donna Fri, 24 Apr 2009 17:58:22 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-38274 I do not think having children is selfish.
I understand about the population problem but let’s face it the real problem is the way we treat the planet these are the issues we should be more concerned with.
If we treated the planet better then additional humans on the planet wouldn’t cause so much of a problem. Were our Parents selfish for having us? If they decided to not have us then we wouldn’t have the opportunity to even debate about this subject. We as humans have a choice we can decide not to have children or we can decide to have them. We cannot play god, the world is not and never will be perfect it is organic we cannot design the perfect world there are good and bad people not everyone contributes in the way we want them to, not everyone has an education. If we were all the same and all had the same opportunities life would just be plain boring with no challenges isn’t life supposed to be diverse? I’m not saying that we should not even consider the population problem I just don’t think that saying people are selfish for having children will help the issues it just puts a divide between those who have kids and those who choose not to. We all make choices in life and they are not always the right ones. If you decide not to have kids but you are a really horrible person who upsets everyone then what is your contribution to the world? People pass away every day there are natural disasters and the population decreases. There are many people who can’t have children and so they adopt, the world knows what it is doing. Some say you should only have kids if they are going to be doctors or scientist or whatever, well doctors keep us in good health and make us live longer so where’s the sense in that. The best thing we can do is to look after our planet be kind to each other embrace our differences and respect peoples choices whether we agree with them or not. I don’t have any children and I don’t know if I will but if I decide to then that will be my choice and if I don’t it won’t make me a better person for it so everyone should stop being so bloody self righteous take a look at the real problems in the world and get real.

]]> By: Richel http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-23933 Richel Sat, 31 May 2008 18:58:39 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-23933 I have always been an extreme anti-kid person, seeing no reason other than inflated ego to pro-create. There's the baby-itis (want a baby, not a kid), the save the relationship (or trap a man), the check (child support), the egomaniacs (I'm so awesome there should be many or mini me's), the attention bathers (which can be any of the above), and occassionally the would raise 'good people' (a rare breed) intentioned folks who actually think about and plan this heavy weight decision. I never wanted children, tried once or twice to be convinced with no avail. Now that I am 42 (clock ticking like a clock tower) I have seriously started questioning my conviction. I have learned at least a handful of things, am financially stable, and have all the time in the world to offer. BUT, my husband who I think I enrolled on the 'no kid' bandwagon now says absolutely "no way!" I used to think I could always use foster as a back-up, but you risk getting attached to a temporary situation, purposeful heartbreak - kudos to those who can. Then there's adoption, you don't really know what your are getting, like a dog from the pound, they're all sweet and cute but time will open hidden wounds. Which I am not dis-sing, my pound pooch is the cat's meow, but he has some serious psychological problems that break me heart. I've been asking parents and the only regrets I hear repeatedly are that they wish they would have waited, but that it is an experience of the extreme, high's and low's, but not to be missed. I have always been an extreme anti-kid person, seeing no reason other than inflated ego to pro-create. There’s the baby-itis (want a baby, not a kid), the save the relationship (or trap a man), the check (child support), the egomaniacs (I’m so awesome there should be many or mini me’s), the attention bathers (which can be any of the above), and occassionally the would raise ‘good people’ (a rare breed) intentioned folks who actually think about and plan this heavy weight decision.
I never wanted children, tried once or twice to be convinced with no avail. Now that I am 42 (clock ticking like a clock tower) I have seriously started questioning my conviction. I have learned at least a handful of things, am financially stable, and have all the time in the world to offer. BUT, my husband who I think I enrolled on the ‘no kid’ bandwagon now says absolutely “no way!”
I used to think I could always use foster as a back-up, but you risk getting attached to a temporary situation, purposeful heartbreak – kudos to those who can. Then there’s adoption, you don’t really know what your are getting, like a dog from the pound, they’re all sweet and cute but time will open hidden wounds. Which I am not dis-sing, my pound pooch is the cat’s meow, but he has some serious psychological problems that break me heart.
I’ve been asking parents and the only regrets I hear repeatedly are that they wish they would have waited, but that it is an experience of the extreme, high’s and low’s, but not to be missed.

]]> By: 10 Personal Finance Blogs You NEED To Subscribe To | The Frugal Law Student http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-13667 10 Personal Finance Blogs You NEED To Subscribe To | The Frugal Law Student Mon, 08 Oct 2007 20:47:41 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-13667 [...] As a fellow young married person, I can relate to a lot of what The Dude writes about. For example, Examine Your Motives:Having Kids was extremely relevant to my wife and I as we have  discussed whether to bring Little Frugal Law [...] [...] As a fellow young married person, I can relate to a lot of what The Dude writes about. For example, Examine Your Motives:Having Kids was extremely relevant to my wife and I as we have  discussed whether to bring Little Frugal Law [...]

]]> By: Clever Dude http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-12625 Clever Dude Thu, 13 Sep 2007 19:37:00 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-12625 Jennifer, I greatly appreciate this advice, and this is one reason I put the question out there. We worry that our kids won't get to know their family like we knew them, but that's probably the wrong reason to not have kids. However, we're still conflicted about what type of family to have (biological, adopted, foster, mixture of all three). I just began my graduate degree program which will take up the next 2 years or so of my life. I can't imagine adding more stress or work that what I already have, but when God calls, I have to listen, right? Oh, and GO PSU! :) Jennifer, I greatly appreciate this advice, and this is one reason I put the question out there. We worry that our kids won’t get to know their family like we knew them, but that’s probably the wrong reason to not have kids. However, we’re still conflicted about what type of family to have (biological, adopted, foster, mixture of all three).

I just began my graduate degree program which will take up the next 2 years or so of my life. I can’t imagine adding more stress or work that what I already have, but when God calls, I have to listen, right?

Oh, and GO PSU! :)

]]> By: Jennifer http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-12624 Jennifer Thu, 13 Sep 2007 18:29:46 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-12624 This is my first time reading your blog (linked here from The Simple Dollar). I wanted to respond to clever dudette's question about having kids when you don't have family close by. Background... My husband and I met at college which shall remain unnamed as it is a big rival of Penn State... We married out of college and moved to Chicago for a job. In Chicago, we were 8 hour drives from our nearest family, and my sisters were about 20 hour drives. NOT close. It is a HUGE decision. I agonized over having children for 8 years. In fact during many trips to our extended family, we spent our time discussing whether or not we would have children. We decided to have children. I have no idea why as I had been determined since age 12 that I never wanted them. They are a JOY and one of God's biggest blessing. We have 2. As for how we dealt with not having a family near by... 1st ... the church we belonged to was our family. When we had our 2nd, it was our "adopted grama" who was on call for the hospital run. It was our friends who were on the day care emergency contact forms. These were the people we called when our air conditioning died on the hottest weekend of the year (Friday night) and they would come over and fix it. These were the people who baby sat our kids when we needed a night out. These were the people we went camping with (even though many of them had teenagers) So even though our "blood relative" family was not near, we had family. 2nd. Every spare vacation from work (mostly) was spent on visiting family. 3rd. We put up pictures going up the stairs of our house with pictures of my 3 sisters and my husbands family and at least once a week, we went through the names. 4th. Digital cameras / websites/video phones are awesome. My daughter who is 5 can comfortable have a 1/2 hour conversation with her grandparents and tell them stuff that we hadn't heard yet. I won't lie.. being 8 hours away was hard. In fact, we then looked for 4 years to get closer (while still maintaining our financial goals and not going broke in the process). With much prayer and fortitude... we ended up moving about 4 hours closer to everyone (to Cincinnati)... where my husband has a job and I am currently staying home for a few years. My kids see their grandparents more now. I would like to add that when I was a kid... I had a grandmother who was 1/2 hour from my house and a grandmother who was 6 hours from my house. I was much closer to the grandmother 6 hours away because SHE took the time to know me and love me. It's not always a matter of physical proximity that determines the depth of a relationship. Sorry this was so long but I thought I could add a little bit to the discussion from a different perspective. This is my first time reading your blog (linked here from The Simple Dollar). I wanted to respond to clever dudette’s question about having kids when you don’t have family close by.

Background… My husband and I met at college which shall remain unnamed as it is a big rival of Penn State… We married out of college and moved to Chicago for a job. In Chicago, we were 8 hour drives from our nearest family, and my sisters were about 20 hour drives. NOT close.

It is a HUGE decision. I agonized over having children for 8 years. In fact during many trips to our extended family, we spent our time discussing whether or not we would have children.

We decided to have children. I have no idea why as I had been determined since age 12 that I never wanted them.

They are a JOY and one of God’s biggest blessing. We have 2. As for how we dealt with not having a family near by…

1st … the church we belonged to was our family. When we had our 2nd, it was our “adopted grama” who was on call for the hospital run. It was our friends who were on the day care emergency contact forms. These were the people we called when our air conditioning died on the hottest weekend of the year (Friday night) and they would come over and fix it. These were the people who baby sat our kids when we needed a night out. These were the people we went camping with (even though many of them had teenagers) So even though our “blood relative” family was not near, we had family.

2nd. Every spare vacation from work (mostly) was spent on visiting family.

3rd. We put up pictures going up the stairs of our house with pictures of my 3 sisters and my husbands family and at least once a week, we went through the names.
4th. Digital cameras / websites/video phones are awesome. My daughter who is 5 can comfortable have a 1/2 hour conversation with her grandparents and tell them stuff that we hadn’t heard yet.

I won’t lie.. being 8 hours away was hard. In fact, we then looked for 4 years to get closer (while still maintaining our financial goals and not going broke in the process). With much prayer and fortitude… we ended up moving about 4 hours closer to everyone (to Cincinnati)… where my husband has a job and I am currently staying home for a few years. My kids see their grandparents more now.

I would like to add that when I was a kid… I had a grandmother who was 1/2 hour from my house and a grandmother who was 6 hours from my house. I was much closer to the grandmother 6 hours away because SHE took the time to know me and love me. It’s not always a matter of physical proximity that determines the depth of a relationship.

Sorry this was so long but I thought I could add a little bit to the discussion from a different perspective.

]]> By: Leia http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-12292 Leia Thu, 06 Sep 2007 22:04:35 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-12292 Jill, Please don't take into account how many church goers adopt or foster children or are infertile. I wouldn't want to break that fragile little bubble of hate you have going for you there. Some other ideas: What about genetics? What if two people have the ability to create gifted (intelligence or otherwise) offspring and can raise them in a stable environment? What if they teach them to be loving and thoughtful people who will contribute to humanity and the world alike? Or is the "carbon footprint" of another life just too much to offset what benefit they might make? Even if they come up with a power source that cuts energy pollution by 3/4? Even if they end up adopting the orphan or abused children of the next generation? I don't think it's as simple as "having kids is bad" or "having kids is good." It's a personal decision and if you care about your children, a lot more work than people think it is. Best of luck to you in whatever comes about! Jill,

Please don’t take into account how many church goers adopt or foster children or are infertile. I wouldn’t want to break that fragile little bubble of hate you have going for you there.

Some other ideas:
What about genetics? What if two people have the ability to create gifted (intelligence or otherwise) offspring and can raise them in a stable environment? What if they teach them to be loving and thoughtful people who will contribute to humanity and the world alike?

Or is the “carbon footprint” of another life just too much to offset what benefit they might make? Even if they come up with a power source that cuts energy pollution by 3/4? Even if they end up adopting the orphan or abused children of the next generation?

I don’t think it’s as simple as “having kids is bad” or “having kids is good.” It’s a personal decision and if you care about your children, a lot more work than people think it is.

Best of luck to you in whatever comes about!

]]> By: Jill http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-12226 Jill Wed, 05 Sep 2007 23:52:57 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-12226 To all the religious zealots out there who tell everyone to have babies because of god or because "we can" or whatever - you are actually being ignorant and selfish to think that a new life has more value than all the orphaned children already in the world or that creating life is even good for the rest of the world at all! One human life is the source of incredible amounts of waste and environmental degradation. But, apparently you feel that the earth was created by god for humans to wreck completely. In many, many ways, choosing to NOT bring more human lives into existance is incredibly generous and loving since it provides more resources to the children who are already here. Get out of your church and your self-absorbtion for a little while and take a look at what's really going on in the world! And, quit judging everyone by your own little view of what's "right." To all the religious zealots out there who tell everyone to have babies because of god or because “we can” or whatever – you are actually being ignorant and selfish to think that a new life has more value than all the orphaned children already in the world or that creating life is even good for the rest of the world at all!

One human life is the source of incredible amounts of waste and environmental degradation.

But, apparently you feel that the earth was created by god for humans to wreck completely.

In many, many ways, choosing to NOT bring more human lives into existance is incredibly generous and loving since it provides more resources to the children who are already here.

Get out of your church and your self-absorbtion for a little while and take a look at what’s really going on in the world! And, quit judging everyone by your own little view of what’s “right.”

]]> By: Liz http://www.cleverdude.com/content/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/comment-page-1/#comment-12148 Liz Tue, 04 Sep 2007 14:53:49 +0000 http://www.cleverdude.com/articles/finances/examine-your-motives-series-having-kids/#comment-12148 I've always wanted to have kids. We will probably start trying over the next year and everything is pretty well aligned. I've never thought that much about my motivation, I have just always wanted to be a parent and to bring up children. While we haven't discussed it, I believe I know my partner's motivation. It might be an interesting discussion. I just want to mention to you that it is nice that you guys are thinking so deliberately about this step. I knew a really wonderful woman, 40, married and in love, who decided to carry a baby for friends who were unable to have children. I really admired her. I think it is great to think about all the different ways you can help the next generation besides just procreation. Best of luck. I’ve always wanted to have kids. We will probably start trying over the next year and everything is pretty well aligned. I’ve never thought that much about my motivation, I have just always wanted to be a parent and to bring up children. While we haven’t discussed it, I believe I know my partner’s motivation. It might be an interesting discussion.

I just want to mention to you that it is nice that you guys are thinking so deliberately about this step. I knew a really wonderful woman, 40, married and in love, who decided to carry a baby for friends who were unable to have children. I really admired her. I think it is great to think about all the different ways you can help the next generation besides just procreation. Best of luck.

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