I hit 30 last year and that is also the year I got married. My husband is dealing with issues about the future, our money, what it means for his job, my job, his earning potential, my earning potential…

But none of that would make me want children any less, or make me want to delay having children any longer. It doesn’t always happen smoothly and on the first try… we decided to start trying earlier this year and it does take some time for birth control to get out of your system, and many other things more intimate than should be brought up here.

I have heard from a few people (some women, some men) who say that having children intensified their focus at work, caused them to evaluate if they were getting paid what they were worth and in some cases to seek out a job with more satisfaction, pay, or both! Its possible Dudette’s co-worker was alluding to this, although without the tact or insight to see that is not a distraction, but a sharpening of focus. Just deciding to start having children has had this same effect on me.

For a GREAT laugh about this topic, see the movie “Idiocracy”, about a distant future Earth where all the people with means and education stop having children (because they are waiting for X) and those who can’t afford them or emotionally take care of them have them in droves, with multiple partners and don’t take care of any of em!

I especially love when the lead character (Played by Luke Wilson) goes to the doctor in this distant future.(http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/)

Some adoption advice for anyone… hope this is not my state specific…. from a foster mom I knew: There is a waiver form you can get when adopting a child who potentially will have abandonment issues (especially true of older children) that can help cover some of the costs of psychiatry or medication that a child might need. Children with ongoing problems related to this might prove to be more of a financial draw than you expected. She said this form had to be obtained before the adoption was finalized.

My main thoughts for CD and Dudette –

1) All the pressure you get can make many personalities backlash against parental and societal expectations and delay having children even longer than they would under no pressure. If you know you tend to rebel against the norm, make sure your desire for a delay is coming from inside yourself, and not just a negative reaction to the pressure.

2) When you think of the “do we want to have kids” question don’t think of it as just an abstract thing, quantify it with numbers, costs, descriptions of expectations related to used/borrowed clothes toys, will someone stay home with the child from birth to kindergarten, learning and skills you will need to raise a child, public or private school etc, all tangible things. There are also the intangibles for example continuing family traditions of your youth (for us it is technical savvy, camping, hunting, having a garden, harvesting and preserving, cooking, financial savvy), contributing to the world in the most lasting way by raising another human being with your values, pride in their accomplishments, identifying areas of parenthood that scare you, things your parents did that you would NOT want to do,

The world needs all of us, Mothers, Fathers, Aunts, Uncles, Godparents, advisers, counselors…

We may have misunderstood Clever Dude’s “I’d like to hear your thoughts on this” at the end of his post.

All the best!!

CleverDudette – your value as a person has zero to do with whether you have kids now, later or never. Just tell people that you and CD have settled this issue of kids for now, and it’s not open for discussion – you have no need to justify yourself to others.

Sometimes I think that I can still positively affect a child’s life without having the title of “parent” and “mother”. That to me is more important than needing to be a parent or having to answer the “when are you having kids” question. Who I am and how I affect the lives of those around me should not be contingent on my answer to one simple question. I can still be a good role model without having to be a parent, right?

For all readers who are parents, I commend you greatly. May you be awesome role models to your children! You as parents are not an island raising your children alone. So, therefore, are we all teachers to children–may you be that primary role model and accept help from people like CD and me who can help shape your children into amazing people (and be like aunts and uncles to them)…I think that’s all the responsibility I’m ready for right now–that secondary role of “godparent” or “aunt”!

Sorry for my rant…

If you don’t want children, don’t have them. We have three who have suffered because their parents weren’t wise enough to chose NOT to have children. But waiting to have children you really want because the stars aren’t all aligned is a very false sense of economy. The opportunities for success expand and you’ll be amazed at what you’re capable of.

Obviously, we all for adoption! Ours were 4,9 and 10 when they joined us. Great kids!!

Good on you for choosing to be responsible about parenting and your lives. They are your lives after all not the people who make their rude and insulting comments.

Whenever I get asked about kids, I respond by reminding the person how expensive kids are. “It’s like buying a Bentley”, I always say. “Two kids are like TWO Bentleys!” “Maybe we’ll have one Bentley, then one kid after that; ask me again when we buy the Arnage.”

My response is usually followed by complete silence. Problem solved! Rarely do we get asked twice. What do you think? Good answer?

As for the co-worker … I can’t begin to understand such a thought, much less comment on it.

As far as your co-worker goes – I think that sometimes people concentrate on their careers to the point where it is the main part of their life (I used to be like that at one time). Getting married, having kids, getting bored with your career allows you to diminish the work influence to the point where it’s just a job and that’s ok.

And don’t worry about the age thing – my wife and I are WAY older than you guys so…you have tons of time if you need it.